Hecalledmeket

feelings

Sun, 07 Mar 2010 14:16:32 GMT

You will not read it – I think you won’t . Or if you do, you will not understand, cause you know very very little English. Unless I translate this passage below, but I’m not sure yet .

It’s that I just want to thank you. First, I want to ask you – please, please be what I think you are. Don’t be different for me. For whoever else, you are what THEY think you to be. And for your parents you are the son they saw playing with toys, crying, being silly, growing up and making mistakes - …and what not . Please, for me – be the one you have been so far. Yes I know that you don’t always look that good and smell so nice and wear the smart clothes. And I suppose sometimes you look at other girls and even imagine them in bed with you. Maybe, sometimes you pretend to be a little bit better than you are. The truth is – most people do, and you never know what they are really like until some hardship brings you together. But I will forgive it. Just don’t lie to me. Just be the one I saw so close to me and so very sincere and caring. Baby, it will not be boring at all – I promise. Being yourself cannot be boring, and I hope it’s YOU that I know.

Secondly… ‘Secondly’ sounds so official) - here’s where I say thank you. You are so very much like what I’ve been dreaming of. Actually, a little more than that. You feel me like no other guy has ever felt me, and this is one of the most important things for me because … I’ve always thought myself to be a bit complicated. And it’s not always easy to feel me, but you do – I don’t know how. Maybe I read a bit too much into your behavior, but – whatever - when you are around, I feel so good that I nearly cry because it seems impossible. Thank you. Be mine, and just say if you ever want to leave. Because supergirls don’t cry.

May your angel take a most tender care of you.

Ты этого не прочтешь – почти уверена. Даже если и прочтешь, то не поймешь ничего, потому что ты почти не знаешь английского. Если, конечно, я не переведу этот текст, а я еще не решила.

Просто я хочу сказать спасибо. Во-первых, хочу попросить тебя – пожалуйста, пожалуйста, будь таким, каким ты мне представляешься. Для всех остальных ты тот, кем ОНИ считают тебя. Для твоих родителей ты сын, и они видели и то, как ты играешь с игрушками, и то, как ты плачешь, и каким глупым ты бываешь, и как ошибаешься …– всё что угодно. Но пожалуйста, для МЕНЯ будь таким, каким ты был всё это время. Да, я знаю, что ты не всегда так хорошо выглядишь, и от тебя не всегда так хорошо пахнет, и ты не всегда одет в стильные одёжки. И я думаю, иногда ты смотришь на других девушек, и, может, даже представляешь их с собой в постели. Может быть, иногда ты притворяешься, что ты немного лучше, чем ты есть на самом деле. Правда в том, что большинство людей так и делают, и сложно понять, какие же они, до тех пор, пока вместе с ними не попадешь в какую-нибудь неприятность. Но я прощу это. Только не обманывай меня. Просто будь тем, кого я видела совсем рядом с собой, таким же искренним и заботливым. Мой любимый, тебе не будет скучно – я обещаю. Быть собой не может быть скучно, и я надеюсь, что я знаю ТЕБЯ.

Во-вторых… «Во-вторых» звучит так официально) – вот за что я хочу сказать спасибо. Ты так сильно похож на того, о ком я мечтала. Вообще, ты даже немного лучше. Ты чувствуешь меня так, как не чувствовал ещё ни один парень , и это так важно для меня… Мне всегда казалось, что я немного сложная. И меня не всегда легко почувствовать, но у тебя получается – я не знаю, как. Может быть, в твоем поведении я читаю больше, чем в нем можно прочесть на самом деле, но – в любом случае – когда ты рядом, мне так хорошо, что почти хочется плакать, потому что это кажется невозможным. Спасибо. Будь со мной, а если захочешь уйти, просто скажи мне. Потому что супердевушки не плачут.

Пусть твой ангел очень нежно оберегает тебя.

friends!

Thu, 04 Feb 2010 12:06:12 GMT

Блин, жизнь - это самая классная игра! Живёшь и не знаешь, как будет; и, как в хорошем фильме, многие вещи становятся понятны лишь спустя время..) ну это просто так))
помните мультик "Король Лев"? Там тимон и пумба когда поняли, что Симба встретил и полюбил Нолу, сказали так - "вот так знаешь парня, знаешь...")) и расплакались, потому что он уже с ними меньше дружил))
Вот так знаешь парня, знаешь.. Кажется, что у него всё как и у тебя.. Он звонит иногда, рассказывает о своих "отжигах", о "сейшнах", о том, в каком виде в очередной раз заявилс в универ, о том, как "про**ал" журнал.., о своих кедах) о том о сем.. и в его голосе чувствуется ПОЛНЕЙШАЯ беззаботность.. и в основном всё, что онговорит - это приколы, к которым за много лет я уже привыкла, понимаю их и уже не читаю морали о том что третий рейх - не самая занимательная тема..)
А потом звонит и говорит так серьезно..что его девушка родит ему ребенка.. )))
я не буду плакать и огорчаться, даже если ты будешь "меньше с ними дружить".. я буду счастлива поздравить тебя! уверена, у вас вырастет замечательный человечек!

a little piece of a new morning

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 08:22:48 GMT

Hi!

Just realized it's been a good long while since I wrote in english. A funny thing - now it seems so strange to be writing in English while i'm a Russian-speaker. And - will you please forgive me if i sometimes omit punctuation or else, cause i

NO! It's the only place where I can exercise my correct writing! Cause you hardly ever do it on-line or in sms, and the varsity hasn't by far given me a single chance to properly do it in English writing))
so here we go!

It's the second day of 2010, what is new? - nothing, just the figure we write in a date section. Actually, a year is such a long period that we discover the new things at the end of it, which is just normal, cause you can't think of whether things are or are not new right when you have them done/seen etc..)) my cousin is gonna have his wedding soon, and I really hope he will be happy.

Okay. I think somehow I failed to tell you that I'm a real happy girl. When I read books in English and listened to music and watched movies, I of course hoped, well I knew - that one day I was gonna be somewhere this language is spoken by real living people. But I wouldnt even think it was going to happen so soon!
My most magical moments and days were spent in Canada, and I thank my destiny and God for giving me someone who arranged it all for me, because it was a fairy-tale. Canada is simply wonderful, and people there are very proud of their country, and they dont hide it. The first thing I remember about Canada is the Canadian planes. When still on board of our Polish boeing I was looking out of the window and it was quite dark and stormy, and the ground was dark and wet, and the large white planes with a small maple leaf on their tales and the small unpretentious letters on them reading - aircanada - IT WAS GREAT!.. These maple leaves which are everywhere are forever with me!
And yes, I just got the proof - people do speak English! )) hehe) and not that bad)

So as ususal, the only thing I can finish with - dream on, be strong and insistent, cause life's full of surprise!!!))

Take care of those around you, people, and yourself too, and have a happy year!;)

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 21:02:51 GMT

5 декабря. Всё кажется, что ещё ноябрь, потому что декабрь обычно такой волшебный, полный ожидания.. а этого чувства пока совсем нет. Сегодня сорвалось свидание. Он позвонил и сказал, что работает допоздна, а завтра весь день свободен. Ну что ж. Я же захочу молочный коктейль. Ну, или не молочный)
Диана у тети, она болеет. Сегодня утром она плакала, т.к. тётя накричала на неё по телефону, а потом позвонила и сказала, что всё олрайт. Надя уехала домой на выходные. А Юля ушла ночевать к подружке, и я думала, что остаюсь ночевать одна. Я бы включила громко музыку и что-то интересное бы делала (например, маникюр))) Но Юлька передумала и вернулась, и я рада, потому что мне не будет скучно. Итак, сегодня в комнате нас ночует двое, а не четверо. Это здорово, хотя бы раз в… (месяц, полтора месяца)))
На выходные у меня огромный список дел, надо много прочитать, написать, выучить.. Сегодня в универе я решила регулярно покупать газеты. Но забыла это сделать по пути домой)
По немецкому был коллоквиум. Я не готовилась и получила 9. Нет, учёба в ин.язе определённо имеет преимущества для меня!) а ещё вот что – мне нравится немецкий. Интересно, при той «интенсивности», с которой я учусь сейчас, какого уровня смогу достичь?)) Надеюсь, я и не узнаю, ибо намерена стараться больше. В смысле, начать стараться)) Да, чего я в этом году ещё не начинала, так это стараться! Хотя по-прежнему мне нравится учёба и всё полезное, что зачастую можно узнать в университете.
Плохо въезжаю в экономику. Хочу на каникулах попросить маму мне объяснить наглядно основные фишки.
Я разлила чай на кровать, и теперь на пододеяльнике останутся пятна!..Блин)
У меня две одногруппницы живут в гражданском браке. Хм)
Бесполезная запись!.. Хорошо, что это мой дневник, и я пишу всё, что хочется!.............

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 19:54:55 GMT

Here I am my dear Lj.

I should be keeping the record of times I want to write something here but then I’m interrupted by something or just prefer to do some other thing instead. Would anything change if I wrote each time I feel like it?

Like, I feel sick and I’m beginning to appreciate true friends who don’t mind you broken and sniveling..It could make a post!

Or, how d’you like it – I started crying right when I was saying words of congratulation to my Mum on her birthday – I had always thought it so irrelevant to cry at somebody’s party!.. I had meant to make it a post)

Or Vanilla Sky I watched – it almost provoked a huge post about love and chance, but then the wish burned out as I went to the kitchen to take my pill and came right across a plateful of fresh gooseberries..

I don’t know if I should be sad about these missed pieces of life I could have captured and had them taken down. I suppose – even if I should, then not too much anyway.

Well, as I decided to sit down and write a bit now (a book, the alternative pastime for this evening, as I’m still sick all through and not even dreaming of hanging around in town) – then I’m supposed to put some thought into it. (Just checked my e-dictionary for ‘put thought into smth’ and what I got instead is ‘put the wood on the wood idiom’. I wonder if I ever need it; who could I address it to?)) Okay.

Sorry, it’s coming out boring. What I’ve mostly been thinking of all the time that I’m home is that I feel like I could be happy far from here. I mean, this scares me, because for humans it’s so perfectly normal and good to be feeling safe where they are. I am feeling exactly this way – I’m attached to the place because this is where I know I have people who know me and who can help me out. The dearest ones live here – my Mum, Dad, my grannies, my cousins, everybody else’s cousins and uncles and nieces and nephews and etc, and I know I’m loved and needed. And God only knows how much I love them all, even those who might never be thinking of me. And my friends and groupmates, and my university life and my tutors and my teachers from school – they all mean a whole world to me –

And here’s where I’m being inconsistent! – I think I could as well live far from here and be happy nonetheless – with the internet and telephone, with airplanes and buses.. Because I was so wrong when I was starting to think I should give up my dreams. They don’t make you an ambitious idiot, they make you know where you are going. (I hate it how I’ve put that last phrase but that’s exactly what I think)

I feel like I’ve grown older, and I’ve no regrets about it at all. It’s all good.

university

Sat, 30 May 2009 14:36:21 GMT

Here I am. I am still here, and I mean to be.

When people say that time flies, I think they say it when they realize that good things do pass, with a bit of this good old sentiment in their voice which implies they don’t want this mysterious guy called Time to make such haste.

Here’s my first university year almost behind me. I do feel a student right now. And I understand what difference it makes to be one. I now see what those older mates meant saying you are not a student until you do your first session (hm, I believe I shouldn’t follow the sequence of tenses rule here, cause it’s kind of an up to date thing). That’s quite right. Now as I look half a year back, I see a really very very fresh man. Not that I’m stale now though, just feel the ground a bit better. To be frank, I sometimes miss the feeling of having my head in the clouds, now there’s less chance to afford floating on air.

I remember the dislike I took to the university I study at. Minding my dream of studying languages and having them as a tool for my future job, I thought that dislike contradictory and wrong and wanted to rid of it. Yes, it’s now that I see I was perhaps too idealistic about what it was going to be. You kind of can’t always get what you want (c).

The academic year is nearly over, the exam session still to sail through (yes, I’m positive – hopefully, WE do it). And here’s where I say ‘we’ meaning my whole group. We are going to be in different ones next year according to our specializations and second languages, which is a great great pity to all of us. Well, change is never bad, but we are a nice group and that’s true. I came from a good school and was quite used to diligent guys around, but these ones are just fine. Both academically and humanly. They first seemed a way too keen on studies. As keen as mustard, I’d say. I myself never give my studies up but there were times me and my only male group mate were feeling deadbeats) My groupies are all different, but what I love is that we all take care of each other and stick together. It’s so great to have them, to know they will be there at the lectures and they WILL BE there unless they are just a bit too lazy to come. I can’t say they all have a remarkable knack for languages but it’s their determination and drive for the better that make them do real good progress. They are nice guys – to put that in a really small nutshell. I am happy we have been together and I hope we don’t grow too far apart in the future.

It dawned on me yesterday that my family life, I mean, the classical life of a child in a family, with home-made food and stuff, is actually over. Well, I thought I knew that but all of a sudden I realized that it isn’t a joke or something – it’s OVER! When I sometimes wake up in my dormitory room, lovely though it is, especially compared to other ones here, I know there’s just me to push myself on, to make tea, to hurry up and study. There’s just me to think for myself and hardly anyone is going to take the trouble over. Here’s when you come to appreciate the fact that you’ve got parents, and relatives, and friends – people who care. And it makes you think of a family you are going to make one day and the way you settle the relationships within it and etc.

It’s all about freedom. Right, the good thing is that you’ve always got choice. It’s good to take pleasure from not choosing the very easiest something.

Life in the dormitory.. Interesting experience! Makes you desperately want a place of your own, more privacy and freedom; but this dorm community is the world which is lovely to plunge into. So many good people you could have missed, so many freaks you think you are lucky to have met so as not to turn into one yourself, so many lifestyles you can learn from and the same many you get disgusted at. As an intercultural communication student, I guess it’s a ‘must’ experience. Very good for your learning things and people and shaping your attitudes. All who claim it’s a wretched hole – believe me that it is not so. Really cool people live here too, it’s just another good challenge.

It has come out a bit longer than I’d expected but not as full I guess.

Anyway. University life rocks, that’s the main idea.

out of the head

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 20:00:38 GMT

And again – for my LJ.

Not that I feel or am much of a writer, but sometimes when I haven’t written for quite a time I feel it very strong that I’m not only missing something, but that I’m not doing something I MUST do. Maybe it’s just the need to express and let out what’s inside, but the fact is that I feel it. And today striding down the Independence Avenue I realized that:

Knowing what you are good at is critical if you want to LIVE your life
Doing it (sth you feel you are good at) and perfecting yourself in it is absolutely essential
DOING things is a greeeeat deal better than thinking of doing them but never getting down to them
It’s a great feeling to be independent but it shouldn’t be confused with being closed to others. Not that totally open though, but as much as you possibly can for good atmosphere and cooperation.
I am quite a coward, miserable though the word may sound
I don’t want to be – FEAR BUILDS WALLS!!! (c)
It’s wrong if you push yourself into doing things that (no longer) bring you pleasure – you may deteriorate. There are other things to do, but as long as you keep being sensible.
Most people are tangled up – and ESPECIALLY living in cities
Europeans are much easier to deal with, mostly, - now I recollect (well, just to say that, here in Minsk living on my own I come to recollect more and more of hers) – that my school History teacher was right saying Europeans are that way because Christianity is much into people’s lives there, and oh, that’s a great unifying force without being forcible in itself
Машина Времени are simply super

Here’s the list of my conclusions to which people come sooner or later if they are not complete idiots (subjective opinion but - personal).

My eyesight is getting worse, another thing to give account of. Long live carrots and bilberries! One of my friends, Nastya, who has poor eyesight - (seems we were about 14 then) only bought lollies and glazed cheesies with bilberry flavour and filling – хи-хи)

Also, I’m extremely worried by the question of my national identity. I’m at the point when I need to know what people I belong to, and this does matter to me. On the one hand, having always been told that we are Poles, and having this language as a considerable part of my childhood – the Polish school with its concerts and performances and summer camps, books, fairytales, vinyls, and the Polish radio at home and the Polish relatives and the whole Catholic thing in my life being in Polish – what I know is that I cant force myself to pray in Belorussian!

And on the other hand, the Belorussian culture is what was around me, maybe not as pure as in central Belarus but still unique and simple and its presence is doubtless! The language we learnt while still in the kindergarten, again – the fairytales, my grandparents speaking it most of the time though the mixture is evident, - well, I cant just cut it all out of myself! And Russian culture? The concept of the Russian soul – who can say it’s not true to them to at least some extent! I cannot. What blood is it that I can call truly mine? Slavic, I guess, but then I envy the Poles, Russians and Belorussians who know who they are.

Here’s all for now.

Unusually cold spring, heh. Let the thought of the summer to come God knows when warm us all up.

Obama

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:49:05 GMT

Read Barack Obama’s inauguarational address today. Don’t know why I like him so, America is so far away from here but, well, its influence reaches far. And I’m not at all good at politics, I know little about it, and actually I have never taken particular interest in it – until recently. I think I’m just getting to see a bit broader and politics is so crucial a factor and this is where loads of problems stem from and people live their lives peacefully not even supposing their lives could be changed by just a couple of people.

So, somehow I believe Obama is going to make a good president. We’ll see though, easier said than done and – there are so many decisions ahead of him; responsible for half the world now, and people hope for his being wise so much… I know you’ll never read this Mr. Obama, but I wish you huge patience and wisdom and the blessing from above. Guess you’ve got it already though – you are there. Good luck!!!!!

Dear America, I hope you don’t lose yourself, and your adorable constitutional bases, and all the people who love you and love others. And you live through your hard times just like you always did.

I’m not crazy addressing America guys. I just think it deserves being respected for a couple of things;)

By the way, Masha, they call them ‘lockers’)

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 22:34:06 GMT

For my LJ, I think

Why is it so necessary to go through soooooo much routine before I can at last feel quite free?

I want to go somewhere mountainous, - fresh air, a lot of skies, adventure, fun, a horse,

Where things are simple and I’m not sleepy and don’t have to worry

About what I shouldn’t do

And why is it all this way – people are born in absolutely different places and they can never exchange places, and a businessman with a case and in expensive shoes can never become a cowboy and I’ll never be a Canadian? And why someone is born in a stuffy town while others among American prairies?

I know there’s no one to reply, and therefore I think I’m here doing what I have to do, and my mainstay is that huge desire to see the world. I love you already, places I’m gonna see.

we're the champions my friends

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 10:32:23 GMT

For my LJ

I don’t know, I can’t explain to myself what’s that inside me that makes me feel so…. so restless, so unsettled. At times I wonder how I manage to be that strong considering the life I have, and all these things I can’t change. Don’t know why I love it so DAMN much, and never want to give in. When I wake up at night I think I’m gonna go crazy right now, I think I’m gonna just shout out loud, kneel down and start crying, crying and crying and crying. But I never ever dare. When I’m home I know I MUST be strong cause what happens, God, what happens if I’m not!...... When I’m in my rented flat I just can’t do that because – because. Why should other people be troubled by this..

I miss the days when I was small and I understood little, or – I don’t know, maybe I just pretended. But I think, I really understood little. I remember when we happened to meet some acquaintances in town, my parents and I, those people always said – this girl is forever smiling. And that was true. Everyone seemed to want me never to learn what really was going on in my family, but things were turning all the other way round to me, and I still don’t know if it was good or bad, I mean, their hiding the truth. What I know is I would never wish anyone to have the same ..the same things.

When I look at myself as if I was someone else - I pity the girl a lot. And I pity her mother still more. And Dad, too. But the real me knows that self-pity is destructive, and I never think about it, I read the thoughts away, smile them away, I talk them away, listen-to-music them away, coldplay them away, roxette them away, dream and walk them away, pray them away, write them away, sometimes cry them away or I dance them away. I live them away, as you see.

I sometimes think what I could’ve become, and what I’ve become. Were it not for musicians and authors and some people I’d be very different. I’d be weak.

And very often I want to apologize to everyone who’s unhappy and miserable and I don’t know why, I don’t know if that’s okay. And very often I want to apologize to my parents because I hurt them so bad sometimes but I never ever want to do this, I’m so lost for words now. Sorry everyone, it’s me.

I wish Roger Waters and Chris Martin and Knophler and a-ha and … knew how grateful I am. They make me want to live on. If only I could change some things - I know for sure, I know 100% I’d be the very happiest one ever.

Whoever may read this, please, PLEASE, remember this little rule that matters a lot to those who are around you – be happy, feel the world’s beauty, never say ‘too late’, never say ‘I can’t’, because this matters to the whole world, to every single one, trust me.

Whatever whatever whatever whatever – it’s so nice to know there are people around you and you are not alone in the universe.

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 20:44:55 GMT

Сердце моё разрывается
разрывается на части

and i'm turning my head out to see what it's all about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 12:33:18 GMT

I’ve been thinking of writing here for a couple of days now, here’s my mind, below here… And just as usually I’m not sure whether I manage to put it the way it thinks. By the way, sometimes it becomes painfully clear what makes a good writer – he never has such a problem, or at least he knows how to deal with it. I don’t!!! I always think this time I’m gonna make it clear – what’s on my mind - but there’s just too much, and I think my thesaurus isn’t capable of giving a wide way to what’s inside… Or is it my girlish curse?)

Well…

Yesterday I visited a bookshop. And…no no no not the books that stirred my – not sure what, my newborn nostalgia? longing?… - anyway.. Anyway –

Those were copybooks and notebooks. Ordinary paper things, but each year designers think of something so new, and so attractive to the eye of a schoolchild that there’s no way to combat the temptation. Simply touching them, looking at them , and then - !!! – choosing them brings such delight, joy and gladness!!! Pink and yellow and blue, with lovely teddy bears and children’s heels, with hieroglyphs (so serious and stylish), witches and fairies, with castles and nature, eyes and hands, skies and stones… with everything in the world on their cover!!! Looking at new empty copybooks makes you think how beautifully you’ll be writing in it, how much good info they’ll be keeping for you…!!!

But yesterday I bought none. Not a single one! I’m no longer the small girl doing the traditional school shopping, I simply understand I don’t need those 48-page copybooks and I think I’m gonna buy as many as I need in Minsk anyway, but mmmmmmm what lot of complex and unusual and a wee bit sad feeling it brought to me – just seeing the copybooks ready for schoolchildren, the anticipating and excited kids, the ones who really wait for the school year to start, with its…with its eveythings. So good I had it all, so good it’s gone.

A wonderful quote – ‘Don’t be sad when it’s over, smile cause it WAS’.

And in the morning I saw a street cleaner sweeping the garbage, and there were dry yellow leaves beneath her broom… What should it mean? Mum told me once – see the chestnut trees? Now they’re in bloom, like candles burning on the branches; then they stand green having their fruit growing. And when their leaves go yellow and the fruit are ripe and fall down thorny – then children go to school. It’s been a symbol for me all this time! I think the next time I live through it again will be when my children go to school…

I’ve no regret, I’ve no pain, I’m happy and I feel free, I love feeling my angel beside me, this life is wonderful.

How can I tell about it????

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 12:45:21 GMT

This day is an Irish day. Because the sky is very light grey, there’s been a little rain and the moisture is still seen on the ground and the combination of green and grey somehow stands for Ireland in my mind. And the air is absolutely still, and it is warm. So when you walk it feels like you are floating. A funny thing, on the soles of my shoes there are words – ‘walking on air’. And butterflies. Seems the best days of my life were all like this one.

Whatever some say – like, sleeping late into the day is true relaxation, and that this is how holidays are different from work – no, no way. Waking up early is what makes the day worthwhile, especially when you don’t really need to hurry to school, to work or elsewhere. Then you begin to hurry naturally – to grasp the day and do more before it’s over. And providing you are not falling down with sleepiness every now and again.

I wish to fulfill so much within my lifetime. I’ve got only one chance, and it’s here every second I’m living. It’s either yes or no, it’s going or staying, it’s carrying on or giving up, talking or keeping silent, coming closer or moving aside. Being careful or being risky. Being this or being that, being yourself or wearing a mask, and, it’s even now or never at times.

I just want to make sure I’ve got enough stamina to carry my tasks through. The tasks I’ve got for myself and the ones which keep coming into my life and need to be dealt with by me.

Well there really is a lot I wanna do. And this Irish day – it just reminded me of one of my wishes. There’s a man I only heard about but never saw him, he’s the son of one English teacher I know, and he is an interpreter and knows 5 languages and he works in Ireland. I wanna be like him, in some ways.

And I want to be through a lot of things, I think I’m happy to be here, anyway.

And I love strawberries.

Violets

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 10:29:39 GMT

Strawberry fields forever

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 10:12:07 GMT

Been to school today, such a lovely day and my willows look so good, and when I was coming back past the school building – heard somebody playing the piano in the big hall on the second floor, something reminded me of the way I felt some 5 years ago, such a strange thing – when you begin to feel like you of the past)) couldn’t get why, stopped and then understood the tune was… With a little help from my friends!!!! Ringo’s low and kind voice was missing but my God, who could it be playing the melody I never even associate with the legendary ones!!! So dear and kind…

So nice it was to hear it - on the piano.. which is so rarely touched..)

One of these days

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 13:39:23 GMT

summer, summer, summer, summer……. I thought I loved winter, and -.. well I still think I do, when it’s here, when it’s lovely, fluffy, white.

But now it’s so far away, and the summer is here, and it’s so fine, it’s so good, it’s green and warm, it’s so great for me now that I have done all I needed!.. Well, the state of having done everything is quite impossible though, in the wide sense, yet the way I mean it – concerning my education – it’s so sweet, so unbelievably real.

Today while washing my face I thought – people’s lives are so interconnected, every single one is a part of somebody else’s one, a part of others’ surroundings, a part of their minds, in a way no one might ever suspect… But one day, out of nowhere, somebody’s face comes to your head, somebody’s words, somebody’s story, some fleeting episode you witnessed…

And things seem inexpressibly simple then, you see you are just a part of the big process, you live in somebody’s memories, or dreams, somebody lives in yours, and the chaos is suddenly contained into simple lines you can see clearly, you can choose to follow, intertwining them with other lines or keeping aloof for as much as appears possible.

But you cannot be alone. You cannot, you’ve got no right – choose the remotest island on earth and settle down there and build a wall around your hut and by thinking you are all alone and happy untroubled by noise and imperfect people you’ll be making the greatest mistake, because still, still still somewhere you can never guess somebody is thinking about you, wishing you were there, washing your face or reading your book, or saying something, being good, living, living your life. Somebody is crying for you, whatever is left back there.

It’s you that is here, you and no other man in your shoes – then, maybe, it’s all meant to be like this, maybe that’s what it’s all about.

)

Kateinadress

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 20:43:15 GMT

I couldn't make it bigger but if you wanna see the dress you can get some idea from this small one
show you the good pics one day anyway)

Guys

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 12:58:06 GMT

his hand is on the glass

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 21:53:02 GMT

it sometimes feels like drawing)

mmmmmmmmmmm

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 10:02:39 GMT

Here it is, everything’s over, the prom night spoken so much of since the very beginning of the year, it was like a fairytale – dresses, glosses, balloons, champagne, festiveness, fireworks –

Yes, just like a fairytale!..

Now I own a certificate, which is waiting to be handed over somewhere so unknown, and I own my freedom, and the strange feeling of having nothing to learn in certain terms, no one to reproach me for what I put on and remind me about some task I gotta fulfill.

It’s been eleven years since I came to learn what school is, since I became a schoolchild, a pupil. It’s so strange – I am no longer. And it’s stranger still – I’m glad about that. I loved school, but I think this year was just too tiresome, exhausting, killing, so very hard for me… And that is why I can’t be sorry now, can’t be missing it, or at least this is the most plausible reason for why I am not.

And now I also own my future.

And a whole lot of things above that!

Goatie in the field

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 18:45:00 GMT

1234 never have it any more

Thu, 29 May 2008 12:46:04 GMT

MATHEMATICS IS O V E R !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT IS OVER!!!!!

I loved it at times, today at the exam it even seemed to me for a few minutes I was enjoying the tasks, but these are exceptional moments, never to occur in day-to-day life.

The lessons of Maths were the ones I always feared, except when I was in primary school, the ones I wanted to live through as soon as possible, sometimes I was even shaking, sometimes I was not understanding anything at all, sometimes I was beginning to hope I still could catch up – the thing I think is basically that I missed a lot of it at certain periods, sometimes the hope died out completely, there were different times!

And now oh my I can’t believe, and I’m happy – because I’m NO LONGER OBLIGED TO FEAR IT, TO LISTEN TO IT, TO HAVE IT, - now I’m FREE from it!!!

AND I LIKE IT FOR IT!!!

Here we are

Sat, 24 May 2008 23:09:37 GMT

We had it all over today. Were supposed to be outside, but the rain, the cold... We were inside, and had the balloons let out to the ceiling. Maybe not that romantic, but anyway they wouldn't look grand in the cloudy sky either. I thought I'd be crying, but I were not, somehow. Maybe I'm just not realising what is happening, though I'm pretty sure I am, I think I'm just being sincere. Those who are worth crying for will not be missing at all. It's the school that will be, but is it really so bad?
And the nice memories - they are mine)

Waltzing back

Sun, 18 May 2008 21:37:33 GMT

My Mum used to tell me I was not a girl but a dragon when I was having my room messy. I took deep offence and got down to sorting things out. I dunno why I recalled this today)

This is going to be my last week at school. The very last one! Not that I’m all in tears and grieving for my classmates some of whom I’m sure I won’t be seeing much – that’s quite alright, the parallel is far from ideal, and the multi-profile studying made us all live by ourselves but not in the community, but still… There were so many moments which are now worth remembering! So much fun, and disappointments, and excitement and all that… We share our school childhood at last, and this is a lot. Not so many people who know me the way I was, the way I’ve become – and I know them, the former ones and the present ones, and this is dear to me. And some teachers – they always seemed so strict, unapproachable, important, and they were, but now it’s all somehow being dispelled, and they are just ordinary people. They’ve always been, and I didn’t know.

My biggest shame was when the history teacher who was simply fond of me all the time asked me to the blackboard and the topic was the Renaissance epoch, it was only the 5^th grade or the 6^th, and I knew nothing about it and I didn’t read at home. I lost her trust then I guess, she least expected that of me. I said the humanists were the ones who revived the old cathedrals. That was all I said)

And our teacher of Ethics was extremely dull and we spent our time at the classes writing notes to each other. Once she fell down from the bus and got her cheek bandaged and we all decided those were the other passengers who threw her out cause she bored them with her ethics.

And many things which are forever with me – I hope I don’t get over them when I’m older.

I’m looking forward to the new life – I AM, but this will be my last week at school – and no more, no less. Hope I don’t have to answer at the Maths class tomorrow cause this would be highly confusing.

Whatever you say

Wed, 14 May 2008 21:33:43 GMT

Like never before now I’m living through a great wish to meet some exotic ethnic culture, - be it gypsies with their brightness and liveliness, or some tribes which are poor and uncivilized but have their own truth and wisdom, or some Balkan people who are authentic and a bit weird, or Latinos all flowery and clamorous, or else! Their music, their dances, their dresses, their languages, - I don’t know why but all this is so fantastic, while being so true, so faultless. When a mother teaches her daughter to sing a song known many a generation ago, or is that all already dead, buried in the piles of human inventions? Can it be so? IT CAN’T!

Huh, so wonderful to be having this feeling. To be thinking about it – that somewhere far, far from you there is a place where the rhythmic music of the rain………..